Confession #1

Alright. Confession number one. I have always been single. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve only been on two or three “dates”. I once held hands with a girl in high school. That’s all there is.

There was a time when I wouldn’t even be able to admit any of that so simply. There was an even more recent time I couldn’t even think it without becoming very depressed. The reasons it’s bothered me have travelled across the entire spectrum over the years. When I was younger, there was the obvious pressure of friends. Even though my friends back then weren’t the type of people to have lots of girlfriends or go on lots of dates, they did have girlfriends. In retrospect, I handled their pressuring me pretty well. It bothered me, but I didn’t do anything too crazy, and it did culminate with me holding hands with that girl once.

As time went by, other things superceded my “always single” status as primary concernes. That was especially true early in college when I was absolutely paranoid about screwing up academically and struggling horribly to make friends. My inexperienced status has always come back to me though. I think what bothers me the most isn’t that I feel alone in this status (I definitely do), but rather that I can’t really see any reason for it. Any internet search, even with Bing, will turn up more articles, questions, pages, blogs on guys of any age who’ve always been single. Many of them have obvious reasons: lack of self esteem, body image problems, being uncompromisingly nerdy*, etc. I never felt that I had any of those obvious shortcomings. I’ve always been pretty well liked, easy going, and had a wide array of different types of friends. In college, I hung out with the English major crowd in clubs and activities, but a nerd at heart, my time was mostly spent in computer labs. The lack of reason is the most frustrating part. I’m an engineer, a problem solver. Problems have solutions where I live. I don’t think this one does in this case, and that is frustrating.

I won’t go into any more analysis or opinion on this topic here now. This was just a confession. I will note that it feels good to just say it, because at heart, I don’t think there’s anything really wrong with it. It just really bothers me on a personal level.

* There’s nothing wrong with being a nerd. I’m a nerd. But if you’re a nerd, either tone it down or just hang around with like-minded nerds. Getting frustrated because most people aren’t smitten by your collection of novelty 20-sided dice is just stupid. I guess my message is: be realistic in your expectations.