I really don’t have many pictures of myself, and virtually none that I like. It’s been this way for years. I also never really got into the whole selfie culture. That’s what tripods and timers are for. My mom always came down on me saying how much she liked pictures of me and that I was just being silly for dismissing them. I’m sure she wishes there were more pictures of me.

I don’t like mirrors either. I just never really liked myself I guess. That’s part of something that I’m really trying to change. I want to be me and be happy about that. I didn’t even know that was a thing actually. Being yourself and being happy about it? Wow…what a novel idea! It’s definitely a foreign concept, or at the very least, not something that comes to me naturally. That was the past though. I understand that how I’ve been isn’t what most people experience. That would be fine if it wasn’t also causing me so much distress.

I had an idea over the weekend though. Maybe I could hire someone (a professional photographer maybe?) to take some pictures of me with my car. My prediction of the outcome would be that although the pictures themselves would probably be very good, I’d still hate the person I saw in them. So I’m wondering what comes first here. Should I take the pictures now and hope that because they’re of me with something I love and am proud of that I’ll grow to be ok with myself in them? Or should I wait until I’m truly happy with who I am and how I look?

Deep down I have a sense that nothing would make me happier than having pictures of the real me with my car. Hadley the real me. Smiling a genuine smile. Genuinely proud of who she is, what she’s done and where she’s going. Oh I can almost feel it.